Inspired by the back to back nights of national exposure for the participants in a famed 2005 sex tape, Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele announced early Tuesday his own proposal for economic recovery: universal sex tapes.
Steele, animated as he handed out a series of graphs collectively labeled “Sexynomics” to gathered media, the former Lt. Governor of Maryland cited the success of both Kim Kardashian and Ray-J, in the wake of the release of a sex film he called “buck nasty.”
“Democrats come up with the same solution, time and time again: tax and spend, tax and spend,” Steele said. “It sure seems like the old, frumpled Washington decision makers just can’t figure how to make this economy grow. Well, if they can’t get average American folks aroused, let the OG of the GOP step in.”
Turning to a short video presentation that featured selected clips from the Kardashian-Ray-J romp, Steele promised to “grab America by its plump, juicy behind and get it working.” The GOP chair pledged successes akin to the sex tape’s stars, which include reality TV shows, Super Bowl-winning boyfriends, rap albums and, most importantly, heavy internet exposure.
“I was on Twitter last night, seeing what people thought about ‘Celebrity Fit Club’ and then I see both Kim and Ray-J in the worldwide trending topics,” Steele recalled to gathered reporters before the event. “And I’m like, what? How can we get America in on this action?”
The crux of Steele’s plan called for tax credits, $500 for couples and $350 for individuals, to purchase camcorders and “maybe a classy little nighty, or something sexy like that.” Citizens that exercise the credit and purchase the video cameras would then be required to film and upload to the internet at least two sex tapes within a three month period.
“Soon, we’ll have stars poppin’ off left and right,” Steele said, listing Paris Hilton and Dustin Diamond as two other celebrity beneficiaries of sex tapes. “All that money Kim and Ray-J got? All started with a sex tape. Why not take take a proven success model and apply it to the government? Soon we’ll have ‘Keeping Up With The Smiths’ or ‘For The Love of Joe Sixpack’ and reality shows and celebrity blogs and expensive tweets for everyone.”
“That’s what I call the American dream.”
Fending off potential conservative critics that could label the policy heavy-handed government intrusion, Steele offered, “Listen, we’re just creating opportunity — I ain’t tellin you which position to do it in. But, FYI, if you do it from behind, you can see both your faces. And if you can, mix it up a little bit, people don’t wanna see the same old thing over and over, they like a little spice. Just sayin’.”
The party’s leaders, reached for reaction, seemed enthusiastic about the proposal, saying that it struck to the very core of the Republican party’s message: telling the American people to go fuck themselves.
