Following Democratic Indiana Senator Evan Bayh’s Monday announcement that he would not be running for re-election this fall, colleagues from both parties came together to issue the kind of consensus statement the two-term Hoosier pined for in his retirement speech.
Senators, Democrat and Republican alike, agreed: the 54-year conservative political scion was a total douche bag.
Having lamented that, “There’s just too much brain-dead partisanship,” in Washington, Bayh’s complaints inspired the brief interparty comity, perhaps embodied best by a quick hug stolen between socialist Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT) and right conservative James Inhofe (R-OK) in the Senate Cloak Room after word of the retirement began to spread.
“Total dick, and a real hypocrite, to boot,” said Sen. Charles Schumer (D-NY), citing Bayh’s curious complaints in his retirement speech.
In the speech, Bayh lamented that, “For some time, I have had a growing conviction that Congress is not operating as it should. There is too much partisanship and not enough progress — too much narrow ideology and not enough practical problem-solving. Even at a time of enormous challenge, the people’s business is not being done.”
“I have two words for that: health care,” Schumer said, “I mean, this guy is complaining about obstruction? Really? He was one of the schmucks holding the whole thing up, that disingenuous little schmutz-face.”
Indeed, frustration with Bayh on the issue of health care cut across party lines, with Republicans also complaining of his conduct during the contentious Senate debate.
“He was a constant flirt,” GOP leader Mitch McConnell said. “He’d always say he was going to filibuster, we’d get some lobbyist cash for him, and then after a few backroom meetings he’d go back to their side, richer and fulfilled. Asshole, that guy. So smug, too.”
McConnell’s frustrations touched on the final dick move Bayh pulled: having acquired the signatures needed to get on the Indiana Senate ballot; watered down legislation enough to raise over $13 million for his re-election campaign; and already hired and given commitments to a number of campaign workers, it was a total shock to everyone that he was leaving the race.
Those surprised included Democratic Majority Leader Harry Reid and the leaders of the Indiana Democratic Party, who will almost certainly not have enough time to recruit another candidate and acquire the signatures required to put him or her on the ballot. That’s sure to bring about legal wrangling, reducing even further the Democrats’ shot at retaining his seat in the politically conservative state.
“Had he done this a few weeks ago, we’d be properly prepared to at least put up a fight,” said Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee Chairman Robert Menendez (D-NJ). “Now, we’re probably screwed, which is a total Bayh thing to do.”
“Yeah, we were totally looking forward to beating him in November, too,” added a nodding South Dakota Republican John Thune. “What a jerk.”
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