Senate Republicans Refuse To Call Deli

Senate business came to a grinding halt on Monday, as the Republican minority obstructed a voice vote over the chamber’s daily lunch spread.

Generally a voice vote and mere formality, the shock scene came as Sen. Tom Coburn (R-OK) announced he was placing a hold on the spiced ham in the traditional cold cut spread that the legislative body had enjoyed every first Monday of the month for the last 24 years.

Democratic Majority Leader Harry Reid blasted the move, but came up short in backroom negotiations when Coburn’s fellow Republican, Jim DeMint, of South Carolina, motioned that he would filibuster the bread selection for its lack of sour dough.

“I’d like to remind my friends on the other side of the aisle that, while a delicious bread to pair with soups and assorted cheeses, sour dough nonetheless does not go well with any of the traditional deli meats, poultry, pork or otherwise,” third ranking Democrat, Charles Schumer of New York, said in a statement on the Capitol steps.

By four o’clock, there were no signs of the gridlock abetting, and a number of Democrats urged leadership to force Republicans to actively filibuster the meal. But moderate Democrat Evan Bayh urged caution, warning that independent Americans might reject unilateral action to establish what many consider to be overreaching big sandwich.

“The American people want us to come together on these issues on a bipartisan basis,” Bayh said, suggesting that perhaps a set of small compromises could be reached. “I’ve suggested we could start with finger sandwiches and coleslaw, and invite my Republican colleagues to pair them with their choice of chips.”

Still, there was little chance that Republicans would budge, and at least one prominent Senator was in no rush to expedite ordering, as Joe Lieberman (I-D, CT) happily sucked krill through his sperm whale-like teeth.

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