February 2010
12 posts
Bayh Retirement Spurs Rare Bipartisan Agreement
Following Democratic Indiana Senator Evan Bayh’s Monday announcement that he would not be running for re-election this fall, colleagues from both parties came together to issue the kind of consensus statement the two-term Hoosier pined for in his retirement speech.
Senators, Democrat and Republican alike, agreed: the 54-year conservative political scion was a total douche bag.
Having...
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Steele Proposes 'Sex Tape Stimulust' Package
Inspired by the back to back nights of national exposure for the participants in a famed 2005 sex tape, Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele announced early Tuesday his own proposal for economic recovery: universal sex tapes.
Steele, animated as he handed out a series of graphs collectively labeled “Sexynomics” to gathered media, the former Lt. Governor of Maryland...
Josh Groban Shows Up at Tea Party Convention
Scanning through early Saturday morning television and eating his customary breakfast of organic brie, thirty seven grain toast and arugula, classical singer Josh Groban grew instantly panicked as he flipped to FOX News Network’s coverage of the Tea Party Nation convention.
Within moments, Oprah’s favorite singer was on the phone with the airport, chartering a plane to Nashville. All...
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Wall Street To Hold Telethon for Goldman CEO
Reacting swiftly and with the compassion it is so often accused of lacking, Wall Street’s top CEO’s and bankers rallied to the aid Goldman Sachs’ CEO Lloyd Blankfein, announcing a weekend fundraising telethon for the industry trailblazer in the aftermath of his devastating 2009 bonus.
Just hours after his firm announced that Blankfein would be receiving just a $9 million bonus,...
Democrats Write Angry Letter
Politically stung and legislatively out maneuvered much of the last year, Senate Democratic leaders yesterday issued a “sternly worded” letter to both their Republican counterparts and Wall Street executives in attempt to wrest back policy-making power and public approval.
Unveiling the missive in a Capitol Hill press conference, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid read out some of the...
Scott Brown Electrifies Teen Senate Fan Club!
It started with a whisper, a faint “there he is,” traveling like a hormonal game of telephone through a crowd still half asleep in the pink sleeping bags that lined the lawn.
As the truck came into focus, the murmur grew into a hum, a buzz, and then, when the Massachusetts license plates came into full focus and the lead girl, ignoring frost bite from six days of waiting, called out,...
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John McCain Looked Really Hot Arguing Against Gays...
Move over Scott Brown; John McCain is the new “it” boy of the Senate Republican Caucus.
In a packed Senate hearing room yesterday, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Mike Mullen and Secretary of Defense Robert Gates, the nation’s top two military officials, called for the repeal of the 16-year old “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy banning openly gay men...
Coburn Announces Hold On Son's Lunch Money
Oklahoma Senator Tom Coburn, a noted fiscal conservative and sometimes budget hawk, announced on Tuesday that he was placing a hold on his son Ronald’s lunch money until the fifth grader addressed what his father termed “an egregious child rearing deficit.” “We have spent and spent on this child, wildly and irresponsibly, and can afford to do so no longer,” Coburn...
Poll: Prick From College Leads Jerk You Hated In...
Survey USA reports that That Prick From College holds a narrow advantage over That Jerkoff You Hated In High School in the organization’s last poll before today’s Congressional primary election.
In the poll, That Prick From College earned 34 percent of likely voters, while That Jerkoff You Hated In High School made up ground recently, taking in 32 percent of respondents. The results...
Breaking: Sarah Palin Resigns From Being Sarah...
In a shock, impromptu press conference outside her home in Wasilla, former Alaska Oil and Gas Conservation Commission Chair, former Vice Presidential nominee and former Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin announced her resignation from being Sarah Palin.
“It has been my great honor to serve as Sarah Palin,” Palin said in prepared remarks, “but I believe that I can serve Sarah Palin...
Senate Republicans Refuse To Call Deli
Senate business came to a grinding halt on Monday, as the Republican minority obstructed a voice vote over the chamber’s daily lunch spread.
Generally a voice vote and mere formality, the shock scene came as Sen. Tom Coburn (R-OK) announced he was placing a hold on the spiced ham in the traditional cold cut spread that the legislative body had enjoyed every first Monday of the month for the...
RSN Returns
After a year in the political wilderness, ReallySeriousNews.com has returned, according to sources close to the very serious news network. More to come on this breaking story…